Fakers, Smackers, and Driving in NWA…

So, I’m feeling a little annoyed today so I decided to write about things that annoy me everyday to make myself feel better.  Sound strange?  Good… let’s get started.

The following things drive me crazy: (Lets call them pet peeves…)

1. People that are fake.  I think that this drives me most crazy when it comes to FB and Twitter because everyone is fake to a certain degree in real life – whether you want to admit it or not.  It’s like, HELLO – unless you’re only friends with people you don’t know this just makes us question your character!  If you suck, let everyone know you suck – don’t just reserve it for those of us that have to put up with you in real life. 
2. Eating Noises!  OMG, this should have been #1.  I was raised by a very southern family that believed you should have good eating etiquette at all times.  It’s the basic rules folks… (a) chew with your mouth closed (b) do not talk while you have food in your mouth (c) do not stuff more food into your already full mouth so that we have to see the contents while we are eating (d) do not freaking smack (e) do not slurp (f) do not eat loud, crunchy items in quite environments (g) and this is only for some of you, how is it possible to make so much noise with your mouth closed?  Oddly enough, this has made or broken relationships for me in the past – I can’t be spending too much time with you if I want to slap you every time that we eat together. lol  So yeah, if you have bad eating etiquette, let’s NOT do dinner.
3. Gum Chewers and Ice Eaters – this had to go in it’s own category.  Please do not smack your gum behind me in line.  It really makes me want to turn around, reach into your mouth, pull the gum out, and wrap it around your little annoying head until you stop.  And for those of you that sit in the quiet office eating ice all day long – STOP!  It drives everyone around you bonkers – I promise.
4. When someone apologizes for how I feel.  This is the most useless waste of words you could ever say to me when you actually owe me an apology for something stupid you have done.  Think about it, is the way that I feel the actual problem or is it just something your dumb ass did that you’re not really owning up to?
5. When someone acts a certain way because they are with a certain group.  So, I see this happen all the time… but some of the most memorable experiences are fromLittle RockandAtlanta.  One in particular, some friends of mine and I were at a Karaoke bar inLittle Rockand this girl came in.  From the moment she walked in she was trying to get “in” with our group (or whatever you want to call it) and thought the way to do that was to change the way she was talking, pester everyone that was black in the bar to sing RnB songs she claimed to know, and then was annoying until some people from the group I was with sang “Ignition” with her.  Oddly enough, all night she was like, “Let’s sing Ignition, it’s my jam… oh we have to sing it..” and when we finally gave in… girl didn’t even know the words! I’ve had other friends who acted a certain way all the time, but the moment that they got around black friends of ours their whole language and demeanor changed.  Do you really think that’s impressive?  Really? Act like something you’re not to try and get approval from others – FAIL!
6. Drivers in NWArkansas!  I have NEVER been in a place where so many people stop at the end of on ramps.  It’s called an acceleration ramp because you are supposed to accelerate to the speed of traffic so that you can merge at the appropriate time.  Seriously people!  If you pulled that getting on 285 inAtlanta, we would just bump you out of the way, give you that middle finger salute, and move on!
7. Comments about my eating habits!  So, yes, I’ve lost 180 pounds.  I am now a much smaller version of myself but I still think like a 300+lb girl.  I don’t need you or anyone else to tell me what to eat, that I’m eating too fast, that what I’m eating isn’t good for me… or to make any comments period.  You can ask me if the food is good and leave it at that.  In fact, I’m not sure why anyone feels that they can make comments like this to anyone – it’s rude, none of your business, and you NEVER know if you’re REALLY hurting that person’s feelings.  Honestly, it was comments like this in my childhood that started my bad relationship with food.  Think about what you’re saying to someone before you say it.
8. Men who ask if the curtains match the drapes. This doesn’t even deserve my time to talk about but SERIOUSLY!  Why would you think that question is appropriate?  Next time someone asks me this I think I’m just going to slap them and see if that teaches them not to ask questions like this to a lady anymore!  lol
9. Assumptions about me based on my friends.  For the majority of my life I have hung out with a very diverse group of people.  I feel comfortable in just about any situation with a variety of people just cause that’s who I am.  When I’m inLittle Rockhanging out with my friends, quite often I am the only white person in the group.  Due to this, I’ve had comments from people in public and on FB (that I deleted).  Questions like “Oh, you date brothers huh?” (this is always followed by some FB stalking attempt a then a deletion from my friends list) or “Well don’t you stick out like the center of an oreo cookie?” (unless we are close and I know that’s not a racist/ignorant comment, it’s considered possibly offensive and gets deleted) that I just thought were stupid.  Even worse, when people approach me in public they expect me to act different or talk in a different way just because my group of friends.  What the hell?  That doesn’t make any sense – life is not like the movies folks.  Of course, there’s always the assumption that I’m one of those white girls… ugh.  And you know what I mean.
10. People who drink but can’t handle their liquor, are fully aware of it, but still let themselves become a burden to their friends.  I’m not talking about the average person just going out to get a buzz – I’ve got a few friends that when you go out with them you know that they are either going to get you in trouble, try to start a fight with someone, or there’s a chance you may have to carry them out of the bar later on.  If you need a babysitter to go out, maybe you should hire or date one – don’t be this person in your group of friends.
11. Whispering in my ear…  Not many people are aware of this but I really am not fond of whispering.  It makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.  To be honest, it’s not everyone’s whisper that gets to me… it’s those extremely breathy ones that are loud.  Drives me nuts and not in a good way!  It’s 2011, if we are in the bar together and you need to tell me something the dumbass behind me doesn’t need to hear – Text Me!

 Ok, I think that’s all I have to talk about on this subject for now.  What annoys you?  I want to know! 

 Jones

Yep, I’m Lazy – It’s a Survey…

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?:
Joni Eaves

NICKNAMES?:

Jones, Joe-nay-nay, Nae, Joni Bologna, Nae-Nae, and many more…  Everyone likes to call me something different – I’ve always thought that was kinda interesting.  lol  Like Joni is difficult.  Who knows.

SINGLE OR TAKEN?:
Taken

BIRTHDAY?:
5/4/1979

ZODIAC SIGN?:
Taurus with a Leo Ascendant

AGE?:
32
HAIR?:
Short and strawberry blonde.

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?:
½ the time in Lowell and ½ the time in Bentonville.
WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
Clear – lol

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?:
Filling out this quiz, sitting with my mom, and working online…

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID?:
Took my mom to get an injection in her back.  That’s about it for today…

WHAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU:
My mother talking to her real estate agent on the phone.  She talks so loud and will not use her cell phone without speaker phone!  Ugh!  (Love you Mom!)

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU ATE OUT WITH?:
Crissy.

IF U WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?:
An adult toy… <wink>

WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON?:
Bora Bora would work for me.  🙂

WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?:
Someone that is patient, off-beat, encouraging, and will always have my back… at least that’s what my needs seem to be.

HOWS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?:

Kinda dreary today – but I’m not complaining.  Anything is better than the 100+ temps we’ve had here lately.

LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE?:
Crissy. Internet and phones were down at her office.  At least she’s got a cell phone!

LAST PERSON WHO TEXT YOU:
Roy – let me know that my energy drinks at Murphy’s are bogo!  Lol  Woo hoo!

LAST PERSON YOU TEXT:
Roy – to say “that rocks!”

DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?:
Well, let me say a few words about her… she’s so interesting, pretty easy on the eyes, and what a personality… yeah, I started this so I sent it to myself… what about it?  Lol

WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS?:
Well, isn’t it chocolate?  Right?  Tell me!

U WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
Jeans, clear underwear, a purple bra, and a t-shirt – no make-up and teddy bear hair… oh well.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?:
Nope

WHO DO CONSIDER YOUR CLOSEST/BESTEST FRIEND?:
Several people… longest best friend is Carmen Kida.  Love you huney!

WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU?:
Something I didn’t listen to I’m sure…  You know, I know everything right?

DO U OWN A VEHICLE?:
Yes, Icey has been good to me.

HAVE YOU EVER WON A SPECIAL AWARD?:
A few.

WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS?:
Who knows… I’m at one of those cross-roads in life… it could go either way.

FAVORITE FOOD?:
Sushi, seaweed salad, dessert.

FAVORITE FILM:

Natural Born Killers, South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, Shawshank Redemption, Wyatt Earp, High Art… way too many to mention.
LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA?:
Transformers 3-D – very good.

FAVE BOYS COLOGNE:
Maybe Aqua DiGio, Maybe Lucky?

FAVE GIRLS PERFUME:
I really like Euphoria, Perry Ellis 360, and Armani Code on me…

DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE?:
When I’m drinking…

ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT?:
Kinda, at least I have been in the past.  I can do it if there’s a “joking” undertone to it.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME TO ANTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?:
Sometimes I want my last name changed… sometimes I just don’t care.  We’ll see.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?:
Yeah, a few times.  I’m one of those that loves being in love.

WHAT IS THE MOST STUPID THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE?:
There should be a list of these somewhere-Can’t even begin to think what would top it!

DO YOU LIKE SCARY OR HAPPY MOVIES?:
Happy!  If I watch a scary movie, I have to follow it immediately with a happy one so that I can sleep!

CHRISTMAS OR EASTER?:
Screw easter candy – I want presents!  Plus, isn’t it more fun to celebrate a birth than a death or even a rise from?

LUST OR LOVE?:
Lust is more fun… but where would be we without love?

KISSES OR HUGS?:
Uh, I’m not choosing between these!

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?:
I’m gonna be nice and say world hunger – cause I’d rather change this lottery ticket to the winning numbers for this week!

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR PAJAMAS:
Again, clear.  Must be my favorite color.  lol

WHAT COLOR’S YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?:
White – it’s an Oral-B Automatic one.  I love it!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS QUIZ?:
It was ok… now I’m getting kind tired of taking it…

DO U WANT UR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?:
If I say yes, will they feel a responsibility?

WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?:
Well, I can think of a few that might send me a comment or say something smart ass…

WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?:
Friends that have better things to do…

FAVE PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?:
Smile – I love a great smile.

FAVE PART OF THE SAME SEX?:
Same – 🙂  Ya’ll know the smiles get ya sometimes… lol

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD:

Knowing at in the end, someone will get hurt…

WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?:
Snooze!  lol

ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR WICKED??:
Wicked – love em!

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT?:
I never make it to the verse on my ringtone…  Answer, silence the volume, or, should I admit it?, ignore…  🙂

IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?:
My dad’s father, my grandfather – James Franklin Younginer.

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB IN THE WORLD WHAT WOULD IT BE:
Philanthropist, lobbyist, art collector… I just want to be rich.

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?:
Seriously?

WHATS YOUR FAVE NUMBER?:
21 – always has been.

THONG OR KNICKERS: lol, I have to answer knickers cause it’s there…
LONG OR SHORT HAIR: Well, I do like long blonde hair…
TALL OR SHORT:  Tall
BREASTS OR BUM?:  Both?
BRAINS OR BEAUTY?: Gotta have a mixture of both.
TAN OR FAIR?: Either!
BOXERS OR Y FRONTS:  ??
DARK OR FAIR: Depends…
TALL OR SMALL: Tall – has to be ok next to me in heels.  🙂
MOST IMPORTANT PHYSICAL FEATURE: Smile, eyes, strength…
MILK – WHITE OR CHOCOLATE?:’

Not a milk fan… almond or soy, and I don’t like the light stuff.  lol  🙂

>ROOT BEER OR DOCTOR PEPPER?:
Niether – hate them both!
>MUD OR JELLY WRESTLING?:
Jelly!

>SKIING OR BOARDING?:
Ummmm… boarding?  I mean, that’s what my twin does… right Curlethia Sykes-Swanigan?

DAY OR NIGHT?:
Night for sure…

SUMMER OR WINTER?:
Winter – I freaking hate being hot!

CAKE OR PIE?:
Carrot Cake or Pecan Pie… I can’t pick!

SILVER OR GOLD?:
I prefer to wear silver, white gold, or… let’s not forget platinum.  😉

DIAMONDS OR PEARLS?:
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, But Diamonds are a girl’s best friend…LR 

SUNRISE OR SUNSET?:
Sunset, I’m more of an evening/night person.

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE?:
I broke 2 of my toes and cracked my tailbone in the past year… but nothing else ever before that – thank goodness.  Let’s hope it’s not a streak.

DO YOU WEAR RINGS?:
I wear some… not too many.

DO YOU HATE ANYONE:
Hate is such a strong word… is loathe any better?

ARE YOU LOUD OR QUIET:
Hmm… depends on the situation and who I’m with…

DO U BELIEVE IN YOURSELF:
I believe that everyone should work on this every day.

Well, that was fun.  If you take this, let me know so I can read it!  🙂

Jones

Scars, Pull-ups, and Reality – Yep, it’s Monday!

This morning I was riding down 540 towards Lowell to work from my mother’s house.  It had been a crazy morning.  C and I were a bit rushed this morning but when I got to PathFinders, all hell broke loose.  Chris had a seizure on the way into work this morning in the car and was concerned because she needed to change (accident).  I got her in her wheelchair, walked in to PathFinders and they alert me that not only does she not have any pull-ups, but she doesn’t have a change of clothes.  Even more importantly, they tell me that Chris was made aware of this last week.  Ok, so let me get this straight – the items that she needs are not available (which are staples that she needs every freaking day) and instead of sharing this information with one of her staff members or sending home a note, you tell Chris alone and then want to hold us accountable for it?  Really?  Something has got to give!  So now, because of the conversation that you had with me directly in front of her, she feels as if this is her fault.  Now that I’m upset because I need to go back to her house and get these items for her – she will apologize to me and feel bad about it for the rest of the week when this should ONLY be the responsibility of the two agencies that are supposed to be working together to support her!  WTF?  Ok… so back to my story…

I’m driving down 540, a bit of traffic, and I’m scrolling through my FB News Feed when I see this from my old boss and friend (Rodney Carthron):

“Why do we make excuses for those we love when we clearly know they have done us wrong or acted in a deceitful way. We carry the scars of their actions against us to our grave. We describe them to others by the good we shared with them, while internalizing those awful things that have shaped our psyche. With that being said, be good to people and be an example to others (especially your children). Show them what the true meaning of love is so that they do not have to carry the weight of the scars we are holding…. And you can tell em I said it”

Strangely enough, I almost felt like he wrote this for me, about me, and to me!  I’m sure he didn’t – in fact I know he didn’t – but damn, sometimes things just speak to you.  But I’m sure that many people will feel that way when they read it.  I think it was just the time or place or whatever – but it really meant a lot to me to read that from someone else.  I’ve been judged for caring too much about others in my current situation… it’s good to know that others are guilty of the same thing.  There are fresh wounds that get doused by salt every now and then and scars that I’ve hidden so deep they will never be found.  And to know that others walk around with this burden – just to hear it said by someone else… Thank you Rodney – truly.

For the past year (almost), I have been living this lie.  Should we call it a lie or should we just say that it’s always been the Joni way to keep up appearances even in the worst of situations?  Did anyone know the trouble with my marriage?  Was it visible?  Did anyone see the issues that I was dealing with during the relationship before that or just remember when it blew up?  Don’t let em see you sweat and never let them see you cry.  I try my best never to speak ill of someone – even when they have done me wrong.  I do my best to explain both sides of the situation – so that it never seems as if I’m trying to make myself look better than the other person.  I’ve let others rule my life, my decisions, and my happiness – I’ve felt completely trapped with no way out and I’ve just been waiting… I’ve allowed rumors about me to fester and grow – Why would I even try to counter the rumors when they would only seem like an attack? I’ve put my own happiness and growth on hold waiting for a reunion that may never come to fruition.  I’ve made excuses, cried in the dark alone, felt so ashamed of my life that I’ve pushed away people that loved me, and, to this day, I’m still not ready to change. Why the hell have I protected everyone?  Why have I shown more love to everyone else and still ignored myself?  When will I be the most important thing to me and when will that not make me feel guilty?  The real question… when will I actually feel free to live for me and not just feel like a pile of refuse left over from my mistakes?  I will forever miss her…

I have tried to live my life being good to people and being an example to others.  During the times in my life when I “had it together”, I always tried to be there for my friends, help them when they needed it, listen when they needed a friend, and just be active within the community.  I help fundraising efforts, local non-profits that I believe in, promote any event I think is worthy, and give my time to causes that are important.  While some people go into business to make money, I honestly just want to help people through my credit restoration business.  I don’t take advantage of my clients, I turn them away if I know I’m not worth the investment for them, and I offer people every opportunity to do it themselves and help them for no charge.  And no matter what has happened, I’ve tried to continue to do these things as I believe it’s who I am and what I strive to be – a good person and an example for others.  I believe in the end, when everything rises to the surface, it will be clear why I have followed this path.  As for now, I’m sick of the silent judgement, tired of people just waiting to see what I do next, and I want to surround myself with individuals that live their lives the right way… as simply as Rodney put it ”Be good to people and be an example to others”.

I truly don’t mean for this post to be a downer all together.  I just felt the need to state what I feel needs to be said. Please feel free to comment or not – doesn’t matter either way.  But for those of you that really are just waiting to see what happens next – I guess you got your fill this morning.

I heard this song yesterday and realized that while I’ve always loved it… it rings way too familiar now…

She Talks To Angels – The Black Crowes

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she’ll tell you she’s an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night now,
Pulls those shades down tight
Yes, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pain gonna make everything alright

Says, she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy,
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet

Says she talks to angels,
Says they all know her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She don’t know no lover,
None that I ever seen,
And to her that ain’t nothing
But to me, It means, means everything.

She paints those eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, there a smile when the pain comes,
The pain gonna make everything alright, alright yeah

She talks to angels,
Says they call her out her name
Oh yeah-eah-eah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh-ooh-oh-oh, angels
They call her out by her name
Oh-oh, She talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah-eah-eah, call her out
Don’t you know that they call her out by her name?

Old Habits Die Hard – Confessions of an Ex-BBW

Losing a large amount of weight is definitely a journey of it’s own; however, there are a lot of things that, even though you are warned about, you can never quite prepare for.  Like my first shopping trip alone…

Since a young age, probably 12 or so, I have shopped in “Big Girl” stores like Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, the Avenue, ETC…  These stores are great because not only do they have your size, unlike every other store, but you really don’t have to know too much about fashion.  They do the work for you!  You just walk around a small store, they have mannequins telling you what looks good, and you go with it.  I am a clothes and shoes fanatic so let’s say that I’ve safely spent way too much time in these stores!  I actually never realized that these places brought me comfort until after surgery.  It was my first shopping trip on my own since I had lost the majority of my weight – I was around a size 14 at the time.  I was so excited… had some extra money… and I was finally going to go buy some clothes that didn’t look like I was a little kid wearing my mom’s clothes!  I pulled up to Lane Bryant, got out my debit card, and headed for the door.  Right away I saw a shirt I wanted – it was a corset style black lace piece and YES they had it in a 14.

**Let me step back from this for a second and mention that YES, I used to judge the skinny girls that were in these stores! Anyone that was under an 18 made me mad.  Lol  In fact, I’d hate on them every time my outfit wasn’t available in a 26/28 but instead only for the 12/14/16 people! **

I ran into the dressing room and slipped on the shirt.  It didn’t fit!  But not the normal not fitting issue where it’s too tight and you can just go grab another shirt – it was too big.  So I ran out and looked on the rack and there wasn’t a smaller size.  I asked the lady and she said that they didn’t have many 12’s but she would help me look.  So we started looking… I found about 6 more shirts.  At this point, I was feeling a little better.  I ran into the dressing room with my 6-12W shirts and started trying them on.  First one – too big.  I started to get a bit panicky.  Second one – too big.  Tears started forming in my eyes.  None of them fit.  Here I am in Layne Bryant, sitting on a chair in the dressing room bawling my eyes out.  I finally grabbed a hold of my emotions enough to run out of the door and got in my car.  I sat there, lit a cigarette, sobbing desperately, and felt completely helpless… What the hell was I gonna do?

I put the car in drive and went to Dillards… this was a HUGE mistake.  I was completely overwhelmed by all of the clothes in this huge store.  I tried grabbing a few things but would just put them back down.  Sales people would come by and ask if they could help but I had no clue what to tell them.  What did I like?  What the heck was I looking for?  What was my style?  I just didn’t belong there.

I wound up going to a shoe store to make myself feel better and got some knee length high heeled boots and a pair of heels.  And then I just drove home from South Haven feeling defeated.  It took me a while to tell my friends about this story.  And when I did tell most of them, they did not understand how traumatic it was for me.  I remember telling Shayla (We used to almost show up to work in the same outfits!) about it at lunch one day and at first she laughed.  But then when I got to the part about me crying my eyes out and that I didn’t feel like I knew anything about myself she said, “Girl, you need to go to New York and Company – I’ll take you.”  We didn’t go then but the next week, my mom and I went in the NY&Co store at the Promenade in Rogers, Arkansas.  We walked in, my mother grabbed a sales lady and said, “My daughter has lost 175 lbs and is unsure what kind of style she wants to have… can you help her?”  The sales woman got a big smile on her face and grabbed the other lady in the store.  At this point, they put me in a back room (not even a dressing room) and pretty much brought the entire store to me.  I probably tried on at least 60 different pieces that day… and I did find my style after all.  I am still today so thankful for those two ladies – I finally felt good in clothes.

There are other habits that I still have to deal with… like I still see myself as being very large.  I still get a little anxiety about walking into restaurants because of the “booth issue”.  For years I always worried that my party would ask to sit at a booth and I wouldn’t fit.  And I can’t count the times that I would be at dinner with my friends completely uncomfortable because the booth was cutting into my stomach but wouldn’t say a word out of shame.  Even now, I still carry that fear.  Going to the gym is hard for me because I still feel like people are watching me and looking at me in disgust.  My girlfriend and friends would argue that they’re looking at me for more positive reasons but I never feel that way – especially when I’m in there with messed up hair, covered in sweat, and flushed red from the exhaustion.  And now I have a whole new issue – I wear so much compression gear to hold the extra skin close to my body so that no one will see it.  I constantly think that people are looking at the extra skin on my bi-ceps, staring at the extra skin around my thighs, or the skin on my stomach. I am so obsessive about it that I constantly wear something spandex under my clothes so that I can pretend it’s not there.  At first I wore long sleeves all of the time because I was ashamed of my arms but I had to get over that quickly.  When I try on clothes getting ready to go somewhere, I am constantly asking friends/family if it looks ok… “Am I too big to wear this?  Please be honest!”  And even though I think that they get tired of me asking, they understand my paranoia.  I constantly think, “If I saw someone my size wearing this I’d think they should dress more appropriately for their size” knowing full well that I don’t really see me when I look in the mirror.  I didn’t really see me when I was 367 lbs!

A lot of the issues that I have now have to do with the excess skin from the weight loss.  I would safely say that I’ve got 10+ pounds of it that I’m dealing with if not more.  It’s like a huge scar that I have to deal with every day.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m SOOO thankful for my weight loss and feel like a completely different person.  But at the end of the day, when I get out of all the compression gear and clothes I’m not comfortable in my own skin.  I guess I never have been…

Have a great day everyone!

Jones

Oh, you had gastric bypass… My Weight Loss Journey Part 2

So, I started writing about my weight loss journey yesterday because I was thinking about a friend of mine.  He has lost an incredible amount of weight so far doing a very strict program.  (By the way, I’m VERY proud of you!)  I’m sure that he had that “moment of clarity” that alcoholics speak of when it came to his relationship with food.  We have been hanging out lately so our weight loss does come up in conversations with other people.  When they say, “Wow, how did you do it?” – I’m a little jealous of his answer.  Why you ask?

There is a stigma attached to weight loss surgery and it really should end.  It is not a walk in the park, it is not the easy way out, and WE should not be ashamed to say that we have had it!  There have been several instances (ok, LOTS) where someone has asked me how I lost my weight and OBVIOUSLY was unimpressed when they heard I had surgery.  So, let’s just talk about it for one second…

Since May 2009 I have:

• Worked out in the gym more than most.  My workout routine 4 weeks out from surgery included walking around the building at my job during the day and an hour and a half at the gym every weekday. (Right now I’m slacking off – I know right?  Starting next week again though)  I’m wanting to ask my parents for this “World Gym Boot Camp” that happens up here every 8 weeks for Christmas.  Can’t wait to really go hard core… or at least harder than I already workout!
•  Completely had to change my eating habits.  When I got home from surgery, I could only eat mashed up food a tablespoon at the time.  After that, I graduated to 2 tablespoons.  Everything had to be timed and planned when it came to eating.  No water 30 minutes before or after, chew till your jaw falls off, and no matter how careful you are – you’re probably going to throw some of it up.  Even now I have a very hard time with foods that I love including salad!  Grrrr… Additionally, everything you eat has to be thought about in terms of how it benefits you if you’re going to do it right.  Protein, protein, protein first and then you can have a taste of the side.  Low amounts of protein and vitamins can lead to hair loss and lots of other issues so you must stay on top of it.  I am not so good at this – I will admit that because I know there are those of you reading this that are saying, “What?  Maybe you should practice actually doing that!”
• Had to understand that there are more social activities than going to dinner.  It was strange to realize that was what I did with my friends – EAT!  I should have realized it when the third week before surgery I decided that I had to do the “Final Tour of Little Rock Lunch Spots” with my friends from work… but I didn’t. (Side note: Had I known I would never be able to enjoy ice cream again without feeling like I was going to die… I would have had much more!  Once a food addict, always a food addict!)  Even now, I really hate going to dinner… I can only eat about a 1/3 of a plate of food.  Not only do I hate paying so much for a plate of food I can’t eat but lots of times I will overeat just out of habit so that I’m doing the same thing as those around me… which leads to me being miserable and sick.  I’m lucky because several of my friends have either had surgery or don’t eat much so we can share a plate… but still.  It’s the freaking point!
• Had to watch other addictions and be aware of them.  Dr. Baker really does take your best friend away.  It would be so easy to have a supplemental addiction when food is not available anymore.  I have noticed this when it comes to sweets (I crave sugar daily… all day) and alcohol.
• Completed the Physical Abilities Test and Firearms Qualifications for Federal Law Enforcement training.  This took a good bit of time in the gym.  Might have been able to do it without it… but I still think like a 367 pound woman.

All I’m trying to say is that regardless of how someone looses their weight, they still deserve to be able to talk about it and feel proud of themselves without being judged for whatever TOOL they were able to use.  The important thing is that they are healthier, happier, and going to live a much fuller and satisfying life.  But instead, some of us that have had surgery don’t really talk about it too much because of the “easy way out” mentality we are faced with by others.  I personally think it’s ridiculous.

So, I do have pictures… ready?

So… Joni Before… (I need to find a pic of when I was at my top weight)

Tina, James, and Me!

 

Here I was at about half way…

8/3/2010

And this is Joni now…

Almost where I need to be...

WARNING: Cheesy Car Pic! 🙂

Ok… gotta work!

Jones

 

 

Wow! How did you lose it? My Weight Loss Journey Part 1

In April of 2009, I was a walking heart attack ready to happen.  I was 5’11, 367 pounds, my diabetes were so out of wack that I had actually been in the 300 and 400’s for the past 3 months and was going to be put on insulin, and I was in physical pain every day. I was working around 50 hours a week in a stressful job and commuting more than 800 miles a week from Forrest City to Little Rock.  I could barely stay awake during my drive and during the day… when I got home at night I felt like my back was just going to check out on me… and I do believe that it hurt my relationship because I was so disgusted with myself.  I never let on that I was sick – it was bad enough to be so incredibly overweight… I didn’t need people judging me for it even more than they already did.

I have been on diets all of my life.  In fact, I can remember dieting with my mom around the age of 12 because I was already chunky.  My memory is of us headed home from church complaining about the fact that we were going to go home and drink slim fast instead of going to Ryan’s with our church family.  Although being on diets all my life was no fun, it was just something that was a part of our family since we were all overweight.

Weight was actually talked about a lot in our family.  My paternal grandmother was a very vain woman – as was the rest of her family.  It was really to no fault of their own though.  All of them were born during a time where we didn’t talk about eating disorders, drug addictions, or other taboo subjects… it just wasn’t proper.  In fact, I remember when my grandmother died of cancer she said, “Sue the cigarette companies, I got addicted before we even knew that it was bad for you.”  My parents did not sue, but several years later a lot of people won a lot of money in a class action law suit against the tobacco companies for that very reason.

I can pinpoint the moment that I started my eating disorder and negative relationship with food.  I was up in West Virginia with my grandmother and her sisters for Christmas… pretty sure that I was 10 or 11.  My cousin Stoney and I were playing and kept sneaking into the dining room to steal one of the hundreds of confections that were packaged so nicely in little Christmas tins.  My Aunt Oakey walked around the door and said, “Joni, remember that you can’t eat as much as Stoney – he’s skinnier than you and we don’t want you to gain anymore weight.”  Now, some kids may hear this and it wouldn’t bother them… when I heard it I knew that the secret to eating what I wanted was for no one to see me do it.  I had more goodies that day… but I ate each one in hiding.

From that point forward I not only hid food, but I became an emotional binge eater.  I began to enjoy the feeling of extreme fullness…  and on came the weight.  I was always very similar to a bulimic – I would eat until I was so full I could barely stand it but I would never purge… I would just sit in misery until it passed.  By the age of 13, I was in an 18/20 and stayed around that size (or maybe a 22/24) until my mid 20’s when I put on the rest of the weight.

In April of 2009, my current wife opened a letter from the insurance company and we started screaming.  I had been approved!  Dr. Baker’s office…

WAIT – let me do a plug for Dr. Baker right quick.  Dr. John Baker in Little Rock, Arkansas is an amazing surgeon.  If you are considering having any type of weight loss surgery, please go and see him.  His website is www.obesity-surgery.net.  You will not be sorry.

…said, “Ok, what about May 8^th?”  I was so excited and terrified at the same time.  But we were off!  It was such a hard thing to prepare for.  Dr. Baker requires that you do 2 weeks on liquids alone to have surgery.  Not only does it prepare you for your tiny little pouch after surgery but it also helps you loose some fat around your vital organs before he opens you up.  Unfortunately, my wife had to go to federal firearms training during my two weeks so I had to go at it alone.  I made it – wasn’t happy about it but I did.  Now the only other thing standing in the way of my surgery was my skin.  Due to the weight, I had a lot of break outs around where my pants sat on my stomach and was told by Dr. Baker that I had to clear those up.  My first introduction to Hibiclense…

Lol – Another plug.  If you have any type of skin irritations, Hibiclense is the bomb. It’s an anti-microbial wash that is for any type of skin irritation or acne.  You can add it to your soap or use it alone.  It will clear anything up over time.  Right now, I’m using it on a friend of mine that is wheelchair bound and it is helping with her sores – amazing stuff.  I have it with me every time I shower and it keeps my skin very clear.

…I was washing like crazy trying to get my skin clear.  And during the last few days before surgery, it was clear!  Woo Hoo!  So, my wife came back in a few nights before surgery.  We got ready to stay in Little Rock at Baptist for a few days… and then on that Monday morning, I got up to get in the shower and what did I have?  A massive sore on my stomach!  Seriously?  I was FREAKING OUT!  We still went to the hospital and as they were putting in my IV’s a surgical tech looked at my bump and said, “We are going to go ahead and prep you, but we aren’t sure if he’ll still do it or not.”  I was devastated.  I couldn’t imagine having to do liquids for another 2 weeks or not being able to get past this surgery!  Or what about having to go back to work without the surgery and then having to leave again! In fact, they never told me anything else… I was freaking out when they put me under thinking that I would wake up and the surgery would not be done…  Dr. Baker would be standing there with that disappointed look of his on his face…  When I woke up, that was my first question – “Is my surgery done?”  And it was…

I always hate the question, “Wow, how did you lose it?”  There are plenty of people out there that think it’s laziness to have gastric bypass surgery.  I have met lots of discrimination from people of all sizes when it comes to the fact that I had surgery.  Overweight people judge me because either they can’t have the surgery or they are successfully losing some weight on their own.  Smaller people judge me because they think the same thing.  Let me assure you, this was no easy process!  In Dr. Baker’s seminar he asks a question – “Whether you realize it or not, I’m about to take your best friend from you and there isn’t going to be a way to get them back for a while.  How are you going to handle that?”  My best friend was food… it was who I ran to when I was upset, something to sit with me when I was bored, a comfort when I was lonely…

When I got home from surgery, I could eat about a tablespoon full of food at a time… and it took me about 30 minutes to get that down.  Additionally, I was required to drink water – at least 64 ounces – a day but there were restrictions.  I couldn’t drink anything 30 minutes before or after a meal and I needed to be eating a tablespoon of food at least 4-5 times a day.  Can you see how that schedule would get a little hairy?  Furthermore, Dr. Baker requires you to exercise 45 minutes a day from the time you come out of surgery – NO JOKE: He’s got you walking the halls before they even get you into a room! And then it started to set in… I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink alcohol, and I had quit smoking for surgery… I had NOTHING left.  So… I went and bought a pack of cigarettes after quitting for more than 3 months and started chain smoking again… hey, everyone needs a vice.

After 6 weeks, I was in full weight loss mode.  I was working out HARD about an hour and a half a day, eating the right things, and the weight was pouring off.  In fact, after my leave from work I returned 70 pounds lighter.  People were shocked.  It’s so funny, because I look at the pictures of Curlethia’s birthday party (which was a coming out for me in a way because people hadn’t seen me) and I don’t even think I look like I lost anything at that point but I remember people were shocked.

I will find a way to post some before and after pictures to the blog here so that it is easier to see.  As of today, I am 5’11” and weigh 186 lbs.  That’s a total weight loss of  181 lbs!  I went from a size 30/32 to a 12 and I’ve still got some more to lose.

There is a lot more that I want to write about this subject but I am going to end here for today. Questions and comments always welcome!

Jones

I can’t get no…. no, no, no! :) (Satisfaction)

What does it take for us to be satisfied with our lives? We keep moving through our lives adding people, deleting people, making new connections, managing our reputations, making time with our families… but when do we say, “Wow, this is the life I’ve always dreamed of?” Or do people even reach that in reality?
My life is good right now… well the current parts of it are. I have a great girlfriend, fantastic friends (most of them are in Little Rock and one in Atlanta but I have them darnit!), a network of great fellow business people here in NW Arkansas, and I find a lot of support from my friends online whether it’s through Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, other blogs I enjoy, etc…
I miss so many things and all of them seem to be away from here… Do we constantly live in a state of wondering what if? Is that anything that you can ever get away from? Or would you even want to? If we don’t ask ourselves questions and really think about how we are feeling – there’s a chance that we will just become a drone and get lost in the shuffle.
I’m searching for clarity… and I think it will come with patience.
Jones

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Family… Its what’s for dinner…

I typed this on my phone… So dont be texting me about typos.  Lol

The word “family” has always taken on several different forms in my life.  Of course, there is my family… just the 3 of us… Emily, Jeff, and Joni. We have always stood beside eachother and are about as close as any family could be.  I also have extended family… Aunts, uncles, cousins.  Facebook has been a great vessel for getting to know them.

Then I have family in the form of friends.  Carmen has been my best friend since I was 15.  We have been through everything together.  I love that girl sooo much.  Strangely enough, my second longest friendship is with a guy named Jeremy (well, I call him Diz) who I have known since I was 16 but have never met.  One day Diz… Harleys in Europe! Next is my dear friend Curlethia… We have been friends for about 10 years now and I couldnt imagine my life without her. She has fought to be there for me when I pushed everyone away and I would do the same for her.  Shayla and Sharita (and Destiny) are like family to me also… Knowing I have you guys in my corner means everything.  And the rest of “the crew”… All of the rest of you that have supported and loved me… Thank you for being my family. Thank you so much. 

I, like others, have also gained and lost families throughout my life time.  Families that I hung out with as a child, families of my exes (actually, I still keep up with some of them), etc.  This is a part of my past that bothers me the most… The ones I have lost along the way through really no choice of my own… Or circumstances… Or just bad luck… Maybe just bad people… Whatever.

I’ve also found a great sense of happiness and belonging with my LGBT “family”.  Since the time that I first came out, I became a member of a group of individuals that appreciates differences in others, that just longs to be treated like everyone else, and be able to experience the freedom that many people take for granted who are heterosexual – the freedom to love who you want and display that without persecution.  Why is that asking too much.  I joined this fight 16 years ago and it will be near and dear to my heart till the end…

Today, I am with family.  Earlier I had a bbq with my parents.  I’ve had David with me… New family.  And now Crissy and I are with her family… Who have all adopted me.  I’m playing dress up and wigs with Sara, Alex and David are playing Wii, and Crissy is laughing at us all.  It’s a great Sunday evening.

Jones

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